Those Phrases from A Dad That Rescued Me as a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was just just surviving for twelve months."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of being a father.

Yet the reality soon became "very different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health complications around the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver as well as taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every stroll. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he became exhausted. It was a conversation with his parent, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The straightforward words "You're not in a good place. You need some help. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and start recovering.

His experience is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more comfortable talking about the strain on mothers and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his challenges are symptomatic of a larger failure to open up between men, who continue to hold onto negative notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It's not a display of weakness to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men often don't want to accept they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not justified to be requesting help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the space to request a respite - taking a few days abroad, separate from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -physical connection and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will enable his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male guidance. Despite having an "incredible" bond with his dad, long-standing emotional pain meant his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "terrible choices" when younger to modify how he felt, turning in substance use as a way out from the pain.

"You turn to things that are harmful," he says. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, speak to a trusted person, your other half or a professional how you're feeling. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the pursuits that helped you to feel like you before having a baby. It could be going for a run, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Look after the physical health - eating well, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - listening to their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - taking care of yourself is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead offer the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, transformed how they talk, and learned to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I think my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding as much as you are through this experience."