Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
